Retarded Adventures With Sonic and Friends
by Shitsuren Pikapikahikaru
Summary: Currently: Shadow just wants to be emo, but Sonic drags him to Charmy's party. Nonsensicality ensues. CRACK FICTION


**One day I was bored, and high off sugar, so I sat down and wrote this in the style of a second-grader. Beware, if you are not fond of crack-fiction that draws all of its humor from bad writing and sheer randomness, do not read. **

**Seriously. **

**I mean, if you want a good romance/adventure, try Because You Loved Me Even If I Didn't Want You To by KamirineGodess. You want good adventure/drama? Go read In Pursuit of Revenge by NetRaptor. Want some action/suspense? Go read story In Pursuit of Pretorious by Turrican23X. If you want to read some WORTHWHILE humor, go check out Black Doom Knits a sweater, also by Turrican23X.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic. If I did, rabid fans would have burned down SEGA years ago.**

---

"One day Shadow was sitting down on a stump.

"Who am I, what is my purpose?" he said, being emo.

Sonic came along.

"Hi Shadow."

"Go away, I'm being emo." said Shadow.

"Shut the fuck up, dumbass. Me, Amy, and Tails're going to Chucky Cheeses for Charmy's birthday party, and you have to come."

"Okay." said Shadow, despite the fact that he was being emo.

They got to Chucky Cheeses.

"Who am I, what is my purpose in life?" said Shadow. He was still being emo.

Amy walked by, she was wearing black sunglasses. "Sonikku!" she jumped on Shadow. "I love you so much Sonikku, you're like the wind, and I'm like a bunch of flowers or some shit like that."

"Hey, Amy, I'm over here." said Sonic.

"Shut the hell up Sonic, I'm busy with Sonic." said Amy. She was blind. She had a blind people cane in her hand, and she was walking Tails on a leash because she thought he was her little brown poodle dog, but her dog had really died three yeas ago in a horrible accident. The brown poodle dog had been called Sally. Sally really hated Amy, and tried to eat Amy's fingers, and hump Sonics leg all the time.

Amy started making out with the wall. "Mmmm, Sonic, you taste like asbestos." Charmy was licking the wall too. He got retarded...er.

Tails started to hump Sonic's leg.

"Why are you humping my leg, Tails?" cried Sonic.

"I have to act like Amy's poodle dog, Sally." said Tails. Then he went back to humping Sonic's leg.

"Oh, alright." said Sonic. He was okay with it.

Cream and Vanilla were there too. But then Vanilla decided she was too much of a minor character, so she got drunk and married Shadow.

"Cream, this is your new Daddy!" said Vanilla.

"Yay!" said Cream. "New Daddy, come play on the ride with me!"

Shadow sweatdropped.

"I can't go on the ride with you right now, Cream." said Shadow, bending down and putting a hand on her shoulder. "I'm too busy being emo."

"Why, Mr. Sha...I mean new Daddy?"

"Because," said Shadow standing up. "this..._is WHO I AM_!"

Shadow sat on the ground smoking a cigarette and turning the safety on and off his gun. He fired it and it hit a little kid.

Vanilla started drinking more beer. She was very drunk. She started to strip, but no-one noticed. She watched as Shadow shot the kid.

"My man is so sexy." said Vanilla. She was really drunk.

Charmy and Amy were still licking the wall. It still had asbestos in it. Amy and Charmy started to get stupid. Charmy started to peel peices off of the wall and eat them. Nine minutes later, they stopped licking the wall. Amy and Charmy fell on the floor and started drooling like they were stupid. The asbestos had made their brains retarded.

Tails was still humping Sonic's leg. Sonic just sat there.

"I'm waiiiiting..." said Sonic.

"Sorry." said Tails. He stopped humping Sonic's leg, and went back to Amy.

There was white stuff on Sonic's leg.

"Ooh, frosting!" said Sonic. He licked it off. It was asbestos. Then he started making out with himself, because Sonic was the only person sexy enough to make out with Sonic. Everyone else sucked.

"New Daddy, go on the ride with me, now!" said Cream. She was talking to Shadow.

"No." said Shadow.

"Then can I play with your gun?"

"Okay." said Shadow. He gave Cream his gun. Cream shot a boy. The boy's name was Chris. Chris didn't die, though. He turned into an angel, and flew away, and peed on Cream's head.

"Eww, he peed on my head!" said Cream. She shot him again but it didn't do anything because he was an angel. Then she told Cheese to attack. Cheese had been hiding unger Amy's dress. Cheese attacked Chris, but Chris summoned Pikachu with his Kuchiyose no Jutsu. Pikachu farted and killed Cheese. Chris was happy, so he went away and took Pikachu with him to Heaven. Then Cream shot Chuck E. Cheese, and Cheese came back to life because Chuck E. Cheese had been killed and not him. Then everyone was happy, becuase everything Chuck E. Cheese had touched smelled like pee.

"I love you Cheese." said Cream.

"Chao, chao." said Cheese, because he had been licking the walls too, and he was retarded. Chao chao was all he could say.

Tails went over to Amy. He saw that the asbestos had made her retarded. Tails gave her CPR and Amy threw up on Cream. Amy became smart again. She saw Tails even though she was blind.

"Good dog Sally." said Amy.

"Bark bark." said Tails. Then he started to hump Amy's leg. Amy was happy.

Tails saw that Charmy was still retarded. Tails took Amy's blind people cane and hit Charmy with it. Charmy threw up on Cheese. He did not become smart. The asbestos had made his brain stupid. He could never be cured. Charmy got up. He was the same as before.

Cream and Cheese walked by. They were very sad because they smelled like throw-up and pee.

"Can I play with your gun?" asked Charmy. Cream was still holding the gun.

"Okay." said Cream. "Knock yourself out."

Charmy knocked himself out with the gun. He was asleep.

Vector and Espio brought a giant cake for Charmy because it was his birthday. It had peices of asbestos and honey on it because asbestos and honey were Charmy's favorite foods. Everybody wanted to eat the cake. When they started to cut it, Vanilla popped out. She was dressed in skimpy leather like a hooker. She gave Shadow a lap dance.

"Who am I, what is my purpose?" said Shadow. He was still being emo. He shot a flicky and it died.

They had an even bigger party. They all ate asbestos and got retarded. Vanilla was still drunk, and gave everyone lap dances. She puked on Shadow. Everyone was happy.

---

Sonic put down the papers, and blinked at the occupants of Amy's pink-decorated living room. He'd stopped by to give the rosy Hedgehog one of her hammers, which she'd left in Tail's workshop.

"Who the hell wrote this?"

A guilty-looking Knuckles, Rouge, and Bokkun sat before him. There was also a really pretty naked chipmunk girl, and a guy with purple hair in a cactus costume, but Sonic wasn't sure who they were...or why they were in Amy's house while she wasn't, for that matter. He looked at them, then the paper, then at them again. Then he walked out the door, hammer and all, without another word. He really needed some better friends.

**Author's Notes: ...why did I write this? The world may never know.**


End file.
